It was more than 20 years later when I found out why the paddles were placed on my right side, one on my back and one on my front. My paramedic friend explained to me that with small children, shocking too close to the heart is contraindicated.
Instead, drawing the charge through the body, a correct distance from the heart, is a method of resuscitation.
As a 5 year old I didn’t understand any of this and yet I perfectly retained the memories. I wasn’t dead very long; between 3 and 4 minutes. Writing about this is tricky because my adult mind is attempting to communicate what my 5 year old mind couldn’t.
The third shock of electricity brought me back from the after death state. Upon returning, I heard a doctor say, while still leaning over me, “That was about all he could handle.”
I felt his relief although it didn’t sound in his voice. That was the beginning of my heightened sense of intuitive sensitivity.
It was a routine surgical procedure called a Myringotomy, in which an incision is created in the ear drums, so as to relieve pressure caused by the excessive buildup of fluid.
Tubes are then inserted into the incisions. Too much anesthesia stopped my heart. I have my suspicions as to how and why this happened, but that is another story.
I didn’t understand until later that the shocks from the paddles inflicted a profound trauma upon my psyche.
Shortly after I got home from the hospital, an incredible nightmare awoke me. It was about being shocked. Other similar dreams continued to occur.
I was hyper-sensitive through grade school. I felt plagued with feelings in relation to what seemed like such a harsh world around me.
Along with this intensive vulnerability, I had a perception that others couldn’t seem to relate to. The man who led me through my IQ test was someone I thought could understand me.
Shortly thereafter, I was placed in the `gifted` classes where I still felt different and had a hard time keeping up with the class. I started high school and college at the same time, not liking either one of them.
The memory of what happened when I was out of my body was put into the background of my mind rather quickly. It was filed away like a strange dream. Life moved on.
As a 5 year old, I felt incapable of communicating the experience. I didn’t understand it and had no concern whether or not anyone else would or could. Life moved on.
When I was 19 years old, I was sitting at a park one evening in the passenger seat of my car. I felt a sense of panic, accompanied by intensive feelings related to loss of control. I then came out of the body-just for a few seconds.
Soon after this weird experience, or as a result of it, the memories of the near death experience I had when I was five came back to me very quickly, mostly all at once.
This was overwhelming. These memories didn’t fit with anything I had learned from society. After a couple of weeks, my psyche filed them away again. I somehow knew I would understand them later.
At 30 years of age, having read many books already, I began reading `The Tibetan Book of the Dead`. It all came back again. The book triggered the memories, but these same memories didn’t fit within the context of the book.
My psyche didn’t need to file the memories away again. I started a new quest to define and make sense of my anomaly. I tried to logically understand it, and couldn’t.
Then I realized that logic is a function of the brain, and my brain was left behind on the operating table with my body, while my soul had the experience.
I read `The Egyptian Book of the Dead` as well. This book gave me some insight, but not enough to satisfy me. My search continued. I ended up reading many books about death and the afterlife; most of them didn’t apply.
I researched specifically about Near Death Experiences (NDE’s) and so many of them seemed like fables. I felt alone, but not. I knew my experience was real.
While living in New Mexico, a Native American friend of mine gave me an important puzzle piece. This friend, being a Lakota Sioux Sun Dancer, was very involved with the tribal peoples. She told me about the near death experience of one of her elders.
The account was almost identical to mine. That was a much needed confirmation. Puzzle pieces began fitting together on their own accord.
This Is My Experience:
When I died, it was as if I woke up. My soul (consciousness) floated and was lifted out of my body – gently, with great speed, naturally, all happening by itself.
Everything was a oneness, moving, like a plasma with a purpose. I passed through the top of the hospital as if it were made of dream stuff; through the sky, into the sun.
The outer regions of the sun were as layers, planes that shifted into deeper dimensions toward the core. White light, liquid diamond, clear white light dwelling places.
Light beings without form, crystal clear consciousness. Passing through these realms, the white fire of the sun was like oxygen to my soul, no sensations of hot or cold. Toward the middle of the sun, a spinning, spinning every which way – at once.
Passing into the spinning, and simultaneously coming out into a whole other existence. Infinity, with everything and anything to experience. Freedom. White and green life.
Fresh life. Explore forever in bliss. Whatever is wanted to occur is occurring and fulfilling the want – all simultaneously….shock —- instantaneously slammed back into my body, my soul writhing in agony, coming out again.
This time, coming into who I am – so vast, we are all so vast. So exalted. So important. We mean so much …. shock —- noooo, I miss me, I miss them, noooo. Coming out again.
This time, saying goodbye with grief, like taking a trip, knowing I’ll be back, it’s all okay….shock—-I hear my heart. I hear the doctor.
I’ve learned many things from the experience since it happened. I still don’t know why it happened. Details that I couldn’t put into words, I still don’t understand. I don’t know why or what existence is.
I’ve learned not to force any of my experiences into the context of any system or paradigm, for by doing so, I cut myself off from the power of the experiences.
I’ve learned to question my beliefs and to realize that they are unnecessary. Experience establishes my truth, not belief.
I’ve learned to honor my intuition, and have realized that needing to know and understand are coping mechanisms related to instincts that die with the body. True being is fulfillment.
Therefore, needs and desires are absent. Nothing is missing, everything is accessible and known.
18 years as a reader and spiritual counselor has taught me a lot. I learn as much from the readings/sessions as my clients or maybe more. While involved in the metaphysical community through the years, I have heard many things.
Whether or not I agree doesn’t matter. Beyond all our beliefs, knowledge, assumptions, and presumptions; beyond all these things, disagreement is impossible.
Death is like walking into another room, a smooth transition after letting go, the awaking from a dream. A great adventure. Infinity to explore forever. Death is a remembering and a becoming at the same time. You have nothing to fear. You can’t mess it up.
You won’t be late for it. The type of death one experiences is the type that is necessary for loosening ones grip on physical life.
Here’s a belief that’s hard for me not to cling to: It all exists and it’s all conscious. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. Even beliefs that are true can inhibit me from what’s beyond belief. What’s beyond belief is truly miraculous.
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Matt Collman
